Addy's Story Part 10: A Message of Faith

If you missed any part of Addy's story, click HERE to catch up.

Part 10: A Message of Faith

I slept.  At least, I think I did.  I remember people stopping by.  The head coach's wife stopped by, came and gave me a hug.  I think I was in and out of consciousness.  I'm not sure I made much sense to anyone.

Some family friends from Atlanta brought my mom to my house.  They weren't sure she was in any condition to drive, so one drove my mom's car and her husband followed.  It's a four-hour drive…. and they dropped her off and headed back home.

Wow. I have people in my life who care that much? Would I have done the same? I'd like to think so….

I remember they came and gave me hugs too.  I know I babbled something to them… perhaps about God, perhaps about me… I'm not sure if I made sense at all, but I know it didn't matter to them.  They love me, they care about me, treat me like one of their own. Well, as the saying goes… it takes a village to raise a child, doesn't it?

I honestly don't remember when day ended and night began.  My nightmare of the last 24 hours kept replaying in my head.  I kept waking up, realizing it really wasn't a dream and my daughter was actually dead.  I know at one point I was screaming and crying.  My husband did his best to console me…. I think I finally fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion.

Sunday came. Husband and I looked at each other.  Now what?  He asked if I wanted to go to church.

Why in the world would I want to go to church and praise the God that just took my daughter away?  Why?

I was mad.  I was angry.  I was sad. I was upset…. not in any position to walk into church, paste a smile on my face and pretend everything in my life was perfectly normal.

That's what people in "church" do.  They don't really care. They pretend…. they check a box, bring a meal, sign up for meetings…. paste a smile… pretend, pretend, pretend.  And I wanted absolutely no part of it.

I wanted my daughter back.  I hurt. I just had a major operation 10 days ago… I HURT. The incision wasn't closed yet. I still had gooey tape marks and steri strips hanging on…

but no baby.

No "reason" for all my pain. Nothing, absolutely nothing.  Empty hole in my belly, empty hole in my heart. I was empty.  Again, why in the WORLD would I want to go PRAISE the one who made it all happen?

I sit up, grab my laptop and hop on the Internet.  My hubby pulls out his Bible to do his reading.  He said he had a little catch-up reading to do.

I read all the comments and prayers on Facebook. I'm just numb.  I cannot even comprehend the past 48 hours.  It all happened so fast.  She was here, then she was gone.  It was just supposed to be a milk allergy.  It wasn't supposed to end this way.

I hear a "huh" and look at my husband.  He has this surprised look on his face, almost like a shock or disbelief… of course I ask… who wouldn't?  He said "huh"… he made a noise.

He looks at me and says, wow… I gotta read this to you.  The LAST thing in the world I want to hear is God's word. But hey, my husband is actually interested in something biblical, the codependent wife in me said I'd better encourage it.

So he explains that he'd been reading through the book of Romans.  He said he hadn't had a chance to read yesterday's portion with everything going on and listen to this…. 

What if he did this to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy, whom he prepared in advance for glory - Romans 9:23

Wow.  I was immediately humbled, put in my place, slapped…. however you want to look at it, whatever you want to call it.  That was a straight message from God Himself…. here I was being a spoiled little brat, questioning my maker, questioning Him.  The one who controls it all. 

He answered my question, boy did He. In my opinion, this was God's way of telling me He had a purpose and a plan. 

I looked at the clock.  Church was about to start… there's no way we would make it, and the last thing I want to do is arrive late.  I hop online and go to our website…. we can just watch service online.  How cool is technology?

Well, apparently not as cool as I thought it was because I couldn't get it to work.  It wouldn't connect. Really? Seriously? 

I text someone at church and ask him to call and just keep his phone on… We can listen to service that way.  He calls… it sounds like Snoopy church…

Whuh wah, whuh waaaah…. music music… whuh wah whuh wah…. 

Forget this.  Let's just go.  I know we're late… but really, I think we have a good reason. I throw on a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt. I'm ready. I don't care to impress anyone.  I have clothes on, and I'm sure I look like a pile of poo but I don't care.  God wants me at church.  Not sure why, but I got the message loud and clear.

We pass my mom as we're leaving.  She still has jammies on too.  I told her we didn't have time to wait. She can just drive and join us if she really wants to go. (I know, that wasn't very nice… but I really didn't care to be nice to anyone for any reason…. ) We hop in the truck and head to church.

We arrive, and the three of us walk in.  Yep, three.  I guess my mom drove quickly, because she was fully dressed and right there with us.  (Turns out she actually rode with us… how in the world did I miss that?  Was I really that unaware of my surroundings?)

The service is about half over, but I didn't care.  We found some seats in the back and sit.

Ok, God.  I'm here. Now what? I felt sort of stupid. People behind me were patting me on the back… a few in front turned around and gave me sympathetic looks… I think someone came across and gave me a hug.

Service went on as usual. How weird.

Our pastor began his sermon… I couldn't tell you a thing he said.  I just remember going, how weird is this… so surreal…. do these people KNOW my baby just died?  Well of course some of them knew… I'm not sure exactly what I wanted to happen or what I expected to happen… 

And then it happened.

In the middle of the sermon, someone gets up and walks up to the front… up the couple of stairs and stands next to the pastor.  He stops mid-sentence and gives up the microphone.  

Well, this is awkward.  Definitely not planned.  Or maybe it was, our preacher is a think-outside-the-box kind of guy.

The guy then announces that we are here.  That we've come to church and he thinks everyone needs to surround us in prayer. 

Super cool. Super embarrassing… here's a LINK to the video (of course it works now, right? Fast forward to 25:25 and you'll see what I'm talking about).

God knew we needed it. That big guy in the picture there… the one with the plaid shirt on, grey hair?

That's Big Papa.  My boss' boss.  President of the school.  He has the biggest heart of anyone I know.  We call him Big Papa… trust me, once you meet this man and see the heart he has for ministry, the love and compassion he has for others, you'll get it.  He attends a different church.  Something told him to come to ours that day. 

Interesting.

After service, I think the entire congregation line up to hug us… to offer condolences, support, food, whatever we needed.  We were told there was a spot open in the next weekend's Outback America retreat, if we wanted to get away. (Outback America is a fantastic weekend retreat for parent-teen and husband-wife couples to go and strengthen their relationship… we've been twice now and it truly is a wonderful experience.)

Later that afternoon, I get a text from one of my "boys".  I call them my boys, because well…. they are.  My husband's linemen…. they're my "boys".  One calls me Mama…. I look out for them… I care about them.  I keep up with them, graduated or not. I lecture them and love them.  They're my boys.

Anyhow, one texts me and asks if he and a couple of the guys can bring by some food.  I'm sure a mom was behind that text, but hey, I'm never one to turn down free food, and the company would definitely be welcome.

I forgot that a "few" in guy language means 10-15. Eleven offensive linemen fill up my 10x10 living room.  A huge tray of chicken tenders appears, cupcakes, cookies, and all sorts of "snacks" arrive.

They've packed up the entire Homecoming party and brought it to my house, along with a tray of chicken tenders.  

How sweet.  That's guys for you. Not overly sentimental or mushy, just simple… they wanted to bring food and saw what was available.  I know you're laughing.  Once I realized where the food came from, I couldn't stop laughing. It was so sweet.  I wanted to cry. 

We sat around and watched football.  How normal.  It felt good to be normal. My boys are such a joy, such a treasure. They didn't sit and stare at me and make things awkward… they didn't try and get me to talk about my "feelings".  They didn't cry.  They gave me big, huge, warm hugs and talked football.

I love my boys. I'll never forget how full my heart felt at that moment.  

Later that evening I was talking (well, texting..) with our campus minister, and sharing about the day and everything God had done.  He said it would be a cool testimony to share in chapel one day if I ever wanted to.  I thought about it for a moment and offered to do it the next day.  

What in the world was I thinking?  The next day?  Two days after my daughter died? Speak at my school in front of 400+ teenagers, coworkers, bosses? 

The next day was September 17.  It was the original due date given to Addison.  I knew it meant something. I knew it would hold special meaning for me to share what was happening on that specific day.  The messages, the people brought into our lives… not a coincidence at all.  Nope.  That was God, and these teens needed to know.  I got to writing… and I called it "His Plan".  As I close today's segment, I'd like to share my speech with you.  It impacted 400+ people that day, perhaps it will impact you as well.

His Plan
Today is Monday, September 17, 2012.  This may be just a normal Monday to you.  It’s a typical day for most, the beginning of the work or school week for many. It may even be a special day for you, an anniversary or a birthday. 

Today was my baby’s due date. Now most doctor’s say a due date is just an estimate of time, a day to plan events around, a goal to keep in mind as you move through a pregnancy, and I’d have to agree.  Since I knew I had to have a c-section, I took it upon myself to make a plan of my own that was convenient for my family...It was my plan to have my baby girl before the September 1st cutoff for school. Doc vetoed that. It was then my plan to have her soon thereafter so I could be here at school for homecoming week and go to Friday’s homecoming game.  It was my plan to be at home for about two weeks and then be back in full force, slow moving but back.  It was my plan to try and be in two places at once, being your teacher via video and email while also being mommy to little Addison at home.

It was not in my plan to hold my little girl as she took her last breath Saturday at 11:40 am. It was not in my plan to say goodbye to my baby girl just 9 days after I met her.

I keep on trying to tell God my plan, without much regard to his approval or advice, and for some reason I feel it keeps backfiring on me.  If I could tell you one thing today it’s to learn early on the phrase “Not my will but His”. If you listen closely enough, you’ll see He does have a plan and it’s been going His way all along, even though you thought you were in control. I’ve come here today to tell you how God’s plan has come full circle for me and my family in just a short period of time.

Many of you know I came from Huntsville City Schools.  But I didn’t just come from any school, I came from the Seldon Center.  Seldon was home to all the students who were kicked out of their schools for various offenses, from weapons and drugs to violence and fighting.  Others were there filling a 90 day probationary requirement as part of being released from juvenile jail.  Either way, it wasn’t a pretty place to be or a pleasant place to work.  I couldn’t offer Christ as an option for getting their lives back on track without fear of losing my job. I knew I would not be remaining with the Seldon Center for the next school year, my husband and I had already prayed and made that decision.  We decided that God would have some sort of plan for us, whether it was staying at home with our children, being transferred to a less stressful school, or finding a job somewhere else.  We knew that if we put trust in the Lord, we had options. So we did..... and it came to be that there was a position to fill here at Madison Academy.

I questioned God and his plan at that time... was Madison Academy where he wanted me to be? It was such a different environment from what I was accustomed to.  Would I fit in? Would I be a shining light to others when my own faith was relatively new?

After much prayer we decided yes, MA was where God wanted me to be... we didn’t know why or how but decided we would trust God and his plan, knowing it was the right thing to do.

As I’ve experienced life and death this past 9 days, I’ve seen why God brought me here.  You all put together a beautiful banner of autographs and hand-made cards for me to look at after little Addison was born.  You sent well wishes and food, and some of you even came to see us. Dr. Burton and Mr. Laird were there at the hospital to welcome my baby girl into the world before I even got to hold her.  You all showed me that we’re a family. When we left for the hospital Friday night for what seemed like a trivial, just-in-case, make an overly concerned mom feel better visit, Coach Privett and Blackston were close behind. They almost beat us to the hospital.  As I began going through this nightmare of an evening, the hall began to fill with faculty, staff, and even board members who wanted to be there and lift us up.  I found out that you all stopped your homecoming celebration just to pray for my family. Some of you girls came and prayed with me and my baby girl as I said goodbye to her. You guys brought me cupcakes and smiles Sunday as you filled my house with laughter and football talk.

Yes, God had a plan all along.  He brought me to MA so we wouldn’t have to go through this alone.

I had two friends experience death this summer... one lost her husband to a car crash, the other lost her baby 32 weeks into her pregnancy.  I remember holding my friend the day her husband died, telling her God has a plan and a purpose, and that he had been preparing her during our Bible study these past couple of months, preparing her to be able to weather this storm and maybe one day help someone else.  

I had no clue I was forecasting my own future. But God knew.

Just last Wednesday, I sat in my living room while a dear friend held little Addison and we talked about the lady at church who lost her baby 32 weeks into her pregnancy.  I distinctly remember saying no, I didn’t know why God allowed this to happen to her, only that perhaps she needed to go through this so she could walk alongside someone else.

Never in a million years would I have thought that someone would be me, just 2 and a half days later. God knew that though.

Two weeks ago, a friend recommended we watch the movie, “The Fifth Quarter”.  He told us it was a little bit of a tearjerker but that we would benefit from it.  We had never heard of the movie but figured since it was a “football” movie we would watch it the night before we had our baby girl.Yes, The Fifth Quarter does have a slight football theme but it’s main message was that a family of 6 loses its teenage boy in a car accident and must figure out how to pick up the pieces, come together as a family and move on. My husband and I looked at each other and wondered, why on earth would anyone recommend us watching that movie? Who in their right mind sits down to watch movies like this?  How in the world is this supposed to benefit me?

I found out a week later as I lost my baby girl to the unthinkable.

I sometimes sit back and look at the chain of events that have transpired over the past couple months and I’m just in awe that God’s plan is playing out in my life even at times I didn’t know he was there.  Sunday morning I laid in bed wondering what in the world I was going to do now, what was the point of getting up and doing anything?  Then my husband shared a message from his Saturday bible reading.  He said, you know I’m reading through Romans, and well, yesterday’s reading was supposed to be Romans 9. Well I read it now and listen to verse 23

What if he did this to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy, whom he prepared in advance for glory?

God placed that message in our hands the very day he welcomed my baby girl into his loving arms. 

No one could’ve predicted back in May that all these things would come to pass so that I could stand before you today and be comforted. Not one of us could’ve strung it together so perfectly, allowing life to give us little mini lessons as we awaited this ultimate test of faith and strength.

No one except God, the one who plans it all.

So as I join my husband in facing the unthinkable these next few days, weeks, and months, I know that I have a family of loving people behind me, praying with me and for me.  I know that God has put and will continue to place people and events and circumstances in my life that I may not fully understand, but will rest in comfort knowing that I have a 212 family that’s encouraging, comforting and urging me to live a life worthy of God who calls me into his kingdom and glory.

And I can rest on the promise that one day, I will get to hold my baby girl again. Today may have been her due date here on earth, but it looks to be like she was due for an appointment with Jesus instead and she wanted to make sure she got there in time.