Part 8: It Doesn't Look Good
I'm stunned.
My husband is sobbing. Others are crying.
I'm in a daze. Die? Really? I mean, she basically said yes…. she definitely didn't say no.
Die?
Nah. My daughter can't die. No way. We're just going to be in the hospital for a while. Struggle a little, maybe… run up a huge bill.
But die?
No. There's absolutely no way this can be God's plan. Absolutely not. No way, Jose. My family can't handle a death. That's not the way it's supposed to happen. I die first. She buries me.
A movie starts playing in my head…. that STUPID movie. That movie we watched the night before she was born. The Fifth Quarter….
Maybe God was getting us….. NO. NO. NO.
Absolutely not. Pure coincidence. I will never ask that person for a movie suggestion EVER. No correlation whatsoever.
A TV show starts playing in my head… 19 kids and counting… Michele Duggar just found out her baby has passed away at 20 weeks…. I watched the funeral. I watched her go through that.
Maybe God was preparing…. NO.
Not me.
A conversation I had with a sweet friend starts replaying in my head…. I hear my own voice saying "Maybe so-and-so went through this so she could walk someone else through it…."
God? No.
Never. Pure coincidence. I'm a math girl… a stats girl. Correlation does NOT imply Causation…. just because things SEEM to be linked mean absolutely nothing.
Nothing. Nothing, you hear me?
Gotta keep it together. Gotta hold it together. My husband needs me. Must be strong.
Ok, doc. What's the plan?
We have her on the strongest antibiotic we have. We're pumping her full of everything we can think of. We're running every test imaginable. Her liver isn't working. Her blood won't clot.
She asks me about the cold sore again.
Why in the WORLD are we talking about a stupid cold sore?
She's not accusing….just trying to cover all her bases. She says Addison is being given acyclovir (Valtrex - herpes medication).
Ok, sure, sure. Whatever you think she needs.
She asks me to go back through the entire week. I have a book. We write everything down. Every pee, every poo, every bottle, every dose of Mylicon…everything.
I've given her everything I can. Every iota of information. I wish I had more to tell her. I wish I could give her the magic information to go with the magic cure.
Can we see her? Yes, two at a time.
Funny, we weren't told to wash our hands… it' sorta funny how you remember some of the little things. Maybe they figure we would do it automatically… or they have Addy on so many drugs it doesn't even matter. Either way I found it sort of amusing.
Yes, I still have my sarcastic sense of humor even in times of crisis.
But this isn't a crisis. She's gonna be fine. Yes, she's sick. But she's fine.
Addy doesn't look much different than she did before. Peaceful. She's sleeping. Of course she's sleeping. I told you she could sleep. Maybe it's the drugs…
The nurse is pleasant. Gives us the run-down on all the machines. Tells us how well Addison is doing. Everything looks good.
Well that's a stark contrast to the doctor…. Mrs. Gloom and Doom didn't seem to think everything looked good. Hmmmm, strange.
I go back to the waiting room, confused. I thank our school board president for coming. I call him Mr…. he hugs me and says we're all family, no Mr. needed. I post a prayer request on Facebook.
I sit. I text. I wait. I talk to Deedee. It's her son's birthday tomorrow…. what are the party plans? Not that I think I'll be able to come now. but her boys are like sons to me. I hate missing his birthday party.
I tell her she needs to go home. Get some rest. Doesn't look like much is going to happen quickly. We're just gonna be here for the long haul…. it's just gonna be awhile. She'll have plenty of time to come back and visit.
Doc comes back. Numbers don't look good, but Addy herself doesn't look so bad. She's not peeing. Urine output not good. That raises an alarm in my head.
Liquid in must equal liquid out. Liver failure. Body shutting down.
No. No. No. She's just very sick. That's all. Just sick sick. Ok doc, do all you can. Thanks for the update. I go see Addy.
The nurse is extremely positive. Calm and caring. I don't get it. She's not acting like Addy's very sick.
I post another update on Facebook.
People begin leaving. It's just a waiting game, so it seems. I need sleep. It's 2am. There's one little pull-out chair.
Hubby offers to go home and let me stay with Addison. We live right down the street. He'll be back in the morning.
No. not ok. If something happens to her, he won't forgive himself for not being there. Worse yet, what if something did happen and he's so distraught he does something stupid? He doesn't need to be driving. No, no. I'll go.
I know I can handle it. She's just really sick. She'll be fine.
My mother-in-law and her husband take me home. It's close to 3am and I think I just fall into bed.
I wake up to the phone ringing. It's 6am and it's the husband. He says they want to move Addison to Birmingham. They think she either has a genetic disorder or need to be down there where they can get test results back more quickly. After all, they're sent down to Birmingham… and then we have to wait a day for answers. Makes sense to me.
He says her urine output is better. Numbers still don't look great but she's not worse. He's going to come home and get me, and we're going to head to Birmingham. His sister will stay with Addison until the Med-flight team takes her. She'll call us when they take off. We are to meet them in Birmingham.
My boss calls. I update him and he says he has friends down there. He'll make sure we have a place to stay. It's so nice to have people in your life that care. Connections rock.
There's a knock at the door. It's my friend Stephanie and her husband, Jay. They brought breakfast. I think someone updated them. I can't figure out why else these two would be at my door around 7am. Where's their son? With grandparents… he's fine. They start tidying up and tell me to go get a shower. Stephanie will get clothes and stuff for Bryson and Abigail.
Oh yeah. Bryson and Abigail. Wonder how they are. Hmmm… I didn't think about who was going to keep them while we're in Birmingham. Maybe I need to figure that out. Completely escaped my mind. Yes, there are two other small people that require my attention.
I pause and look at my phone, not even sure who to call. Stephanie gently takes it away… she's already figured it all out for me. She can keep the kids and take them to school with her son. No problem. Go get in the shower.
What nice friends. Nice that I don't have to figure out everything. She was a step ahead. How kind.
The shower is nice. I'm not even sure I feel tired. Just in a daze. Hubby arrives, and things start moving faster. I just throw stuff in a bag…. no clue what I'm gonna need. At some point, I need to get my prescription filled…. my "issues" still hurt.
Do I pack for Addy? Sure why not… throw in a couple bottles, diapers and outfits.
Husband wonders why his sister hasn't called yet. They should have left by now. He walks back in the door and says we need to go back to the hospital. His sister called and they haven't left yet.
Ok.
We head back to the hospital. I update Facebook.
It's not a long drive to the hospital. Ten minutes, tops. At some point, this feeling comes over me and I feel the need to hurry. I feel like we're in labor and having a baby. Go quickly, I said to the husband. Something doesn't feel right.
We screech into the parking lot and quickly walk in. A sense of panic takes over. I hit the elevator button.
Tears are running down my cheeks. Why? Where's the stupid elevator. Bam, bam, bam… I hit the stupid button like it's going to tell the elevator to come faster. I feel like I'm in a movie. Where's the stairs?
Shouldn't there be stairs around an elevator? I could run by now. Sure, I had a c-section a week ago.. but I can run. Pure adrenalin, baby.
The elevator comes. FINALLY. I can't hit the button fast enough. Why is my heart pounding? Why am I so anxious? Why am I crying?
The doors open. We RUN down the hall. I don't remember the doors opening. I just remember running.
There's people everywhere. I see my sister-in-law. Her eyes are sad and she's shaking her head no. It's like super-dee-duper slow motion.
My head swings left. There's a guy in a flight suit with one of those little pump CPR things… and he's squeezing it. There's another one giving her CPR.
I kiss my girl and start praying. Come on girl, you can make it baby. You're strong, you're a fighter. Come on Addison. You've got this.
I hear snoopy talk in the background. I cannot comprehend anything at all. It's just me and my baby. I'm praying. They're squeezing and pumping. We're a team. We've got this.
I feel like the room goes silent. I'm telling you, it's like super slow motion. The doctor has walked up to me. I know she's talking, but I have no clue what she's saying. Her mouth is moving but I don't hear what she's saying. There's gestures and murmurs….
I look behind her. The crowd looks sad. They're all watching me.
I look back at Addison. The guys are still pumping.
I look at the doctor. Finally I speak.
Is there any hope?
She shakes her head.
I look back at the guys. Still pumping. I look at Addy. Looks the same as she did last night. I look at the doctor.
Why are we doing all of this then?
We were waiting until you got here.
Oh.
OH. Whoa. Wait a sec. Wha…
It finally hits me. When the guys stop pumping, she will die. My baby girl will die. I am about to watch my little girl die. Actually die. Like take her last breath die. Like dead.
I tell the doctor that none of this pumping stuff is necessary. There's no point. Stop. She asks if everyone is here that I want to be there.
I'm here. (What in the world is she talking about - everyone? Who cares? My husband and I are there… no one else matters. I know, selfish…. I didn't think. I didn't know. Really, who thinks about these things?)
Do you want to hold her?
Oh dear Lord. Watching her die is one thing… watching her die in my arms is something totally different.
I can't do this. I can't watch my daughter die. It's not supposed to be this way. I can't. I won't.
You will…. a voice in my head says. You can. You can do all things through Christ.
Do they even know what they are asking of me?
My mother-in-law arrives. She has Nana with her….
If I don't hold her, if I chicken out… someone else is going to do it. Do I want my daughter to die in my mother-in-law's arms?
No. I must gather the strength.
I tell the doctor I'm ready. A chair is brought over. My husband is to my left. Nana is to my right. I post on Facebook.
I call my dad and stepmother so they can say goodbye to Addison. They haven't even gotten the chance to meet her.
I open my music folder. She must go home to Jesus with a song.
My song of choice? Hillsong's Jesus, Lover of My Soul. Here's a LINK if you want to listen to it.
Addison takes her last breath. She's gone. I kiss her sweet forehead and say the only thing I can think of.
God gives and God taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
I post on Facebook.
That's the story. Her birth, her life, her death. What happened? Why? How? It's taken quite a bit to get this far…. the worst is yet to come.
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